I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
