So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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