hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
