When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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