A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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