Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
