I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What a dumb baby whore.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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