u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
