The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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