i think my tv is drunk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
