I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
