He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
