I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
