all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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