There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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