fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
