This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
