I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
