Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
