Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
