There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
where are my eyebrows?
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