youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
