You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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