Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
