none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
