one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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