Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
