Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
