fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
where am i from again
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize