Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
