I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
