I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
