I have demons in me.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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