At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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