Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
