Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
