i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
