i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize