I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
