They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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