do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
