worst night to have a conscience
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
not ubering you a puppy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
