I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
