Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
