cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
