New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize