I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
