new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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