Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
