Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
