he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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