he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
