Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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