so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize