I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize