there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
