Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Vodka?
Forever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
